When I was about eleven years old I started swimming lessons for the first time. I hadn't taken any swimming lessons up to that point because as a young child, I was plagued with ear infections. These infections were so frequent I ended up needing tympanostomy tubes, small plastic tubes in my eardrums, to drain fluid to prevent ear infections. These tubes meant I had to avoid getting water in my ears to prevent further infections. I could have used ear plugs but it wasn't until I was eleven that I found some that worked and that I tolerated in my ears.
Starting basic swimming lessons as an eleven-year-old was quite an embarassing experience. Kids in my lessons were years younger than me. Thankfully, due to my age I was learning the skills quickly and was able to move through the lessons rapidly. My swimming skills were improving and I enjoyed finally getting to swim with my head underwater!
My mother eventually suggested to me that I join the local summer swim team. I dismissed this idea pretty quickly becuase I didn't think I could swim well enough to be on the team. I managed to avoid getting signed up that season. However, the next season my mother informed me that she had signed me up. I was terrified.
Self-esteem is a pretty common topic I end up working with clients on in my counseling practice. Often times I hear people say the same things I did when I was eleven; "I'm not good enough, they wouldn't want me, I'm too afraid," and so on. These thoughts can become such a barrier to people that they prevent themselves from doing things that they want to do.
In therapy I am often asked, "how do I build self-esteem?" To answer that question, it is helpful to understand what self-esteem is, where it comes from, and what can cause you to think you don't have any.
Going back to my swim team experience, I learned a valuable lesson about self-esteem that first season. I reluctantly went to the first practice. Like I said before, I was so scared. I had created this image in my mind of what the other members of the team were like. I basically pictured them as these hard core athletes who were blazingly fast and on the verge of an endorsement by Speedo. The funny thing was, some of the guys on the team were my friends. I knew them well and logically I knew that wasn't the case.
That first practice swimming in the lane with my friends, my outrageous preconceived idea that they were these swimmers peparing for the olympic trials was disproven immediately. They were just like me. Yeah they were faster because they had more practice, but their abilities weren't that far out of my reach.
I learned two things about self-esteem from that practice. The first lesson was what self-esteem actually was. A quick Google search will tell you that self-esteem is essentially the opinion you have of yourself. That first practice taught me that self-esteem is what you think about your self but it doesn't always line up with who you actually are.
Before that practice, I thought I was a bad swimmer in comparison to others on the swim team. My self-esteem in that regard was pretty low. Who I actually was however, was a pretty decent swimmer who needed more practice, but I could compete with my teammates.
That first practice taught me that self-esteem is what you think about your self but it doesn't always line up with who you actually are.
The second lesson I learned from that practice was where low self-esteem came from and how to improve it. So where does low self-esteem come from and how do you improve it? Experience! My limited experience prior to that practice was that people on swim teams were phenominal swimmers who were way better than me. That thought was challenged when I went to practice and experienced what other swimmers were actually like.
Low self-esteem can come from experiences that tell us we are less than, not good enough, or a bad person. Whatever those experiences are, they can be contradicted towards a more positive view. Was it true that eleven-year-old me wouldn't have been able to compete with olympic swimmers? Absolutely. The problem was, that wasn't who I was competing against. I was telling myself the completely wrong thing. Once I experienced the reality of my situation, it showed me where I actually stood and my self-esteem improved.
As my swimming career went on, I continued to practice and improve. Through my experiences of getting faster, winning races, and eventually placing at the league finals my first year, I provided myself evidence that supported improved self-esteem as a swimmer.
That is the basic formula for improving self-esteem. Identify an area of low self-esteem. Try something in that area. Continue trying until you're successful. Enjoy the imporoved self-esteem from the experiences proving that is who you are. Then repeat and grow those experiences until you feel the level of self-esteem you need.
Now, as a counselor, I work with people on their journey using that formula. Sometimes, it can be hard to find the experiences which prove that you are better than your self-esteem wants you to think. The great thing is, it is all in your control. Ultimately, the only person who can improve your self-esteem is you.
Therapy is a great resource to use to find those experiences. If you are experiencing persistent low self-esteem, feel free to reach out to me to set up a consultation, or find a therapist close to you by going here.