Whether in our social media feeds, from news outlets, or on streaming services, we are inundated with information from an ever developing digital world. In recent years, we have begun to see how misinformation can be employed to shape our perception of reality for the gain of others. With this constant question of what we can and cannot trust, it becomes increasingly important to develop trusting relationships with those closest to us.
A common topic that comes up in couples therapy is the concept of building trust. Often, this is as a result of an event or behavior that has caused one member of the relationship to mistrust the other. How then, can trust be rebuilt?
Through my studies in psychology, I participated in developing and conducting research. A key component of developing research is identifying variables that are at play in whatever is being studied. Then, by controlling or changing variables, new things can be learned.
Developing trust within a relationship involves many variables but the good news is, there are some universal variables that can be controlled or changed in order to improve trust within a relationship. There are three main variable categories involved in developing trust within a relationship: Internal Work, External Work, and Time.
Variable 1: Internal Work
Trusting someone is a behavior. You likely know someone who maybe trusts too easily, or someone who struggles with trusting anyone. Regardless, trust is a behavior and developing trust in a relationship is an act of changing your own behavior. This first variable of “internal work” focuses on thought processes that we do, which affect how we trust others. Here are three thought processes that can help improve your ability to trust your partner.
Motivation
Motivation is at the heart of any behavior we exhibit. We don’t do anything without a reason. Trusting someone is no different. When you want to develop trust with your partner, it is important to identify your motivation. What are your needs that will be met by trusting them? What value is fulfilled by trusting your partner? What desires or wants can you achieve by trusting them? When you have a reason why, you are going to be more likely to change your trust behavior.
Assumptions
Really this should be titled “avoid assumptions.” Based on our lived experiences, we all view the world differently. Part of those experiences shape our ability to trust others. An important step in trusting your partner, or rebuilding trust with your partner, is to recognize what assumptions you are making about them, their behavior, and their trustworthiness. Are you assuming they shouldn’t be trusted? A great way to challenge those assumptions is by acknowledging the good in your partner. Pay attention to what they are doing that is beneficial to your relationship and you will begin to assume better of them.
Self-compassion
Having your trust broken frequently leads to self-deprecating thoughts. “I’m an idiot for not seeing this sooner. How could I be so naive? I’m a terrible judge of character.” These types of negative self-talk foster a sense of disconnect with your partner which, if you want to rebuild trust, can really get in the way of healing. It is important to recognize your faults or mistakes but it is equally important to be compassionate towards yourself.
These are just some of the thought processes involved in the internal work of developing trust with your partner. These behaviors are more individual in nature which is why you could actually name the variable of “internal work” as “personal work.” Once you have addressed these thought processes and more, you can start to work on the next variable.
Variable 2: External Work
It’s probably obvious by now that the ultimate goal here is to develop trust with your partner. Therefore, the “external work” you are doing is building trust. This variable can be broken down into three key behaviors: communication, acknowledgment, and taking a risk.
Communication
The key to building trust is transparency. In relationships, the only way we can be transparent is through our words and actions. Communication is how we can be transparent about what is going on for us internally. Three things that are crucial to communicate when developing trust are boundaries, expectations, and feelings.
Communicating Boundaries
It is really hard to color inside the lines if you don’t know where the lines are. Your partner isn’t going to know what boundaries to respect if you don’t communicate them. Make it clear what is important to you, how and where you feel safe, and what your needs are. The next step, and key part of communicating boundaries is enforcing them. There is no point in setting a boundary if you aren’t going to enforce it. When you and your partner know what “rules” you need to play by, and then follow them, you will start to develop trust with each other.
It is really hard to color inside the lines if you don’t know where the lines are. Your partner isn’t going to know what boundaries to respect if you don’t communicate them.
Communicating Expectations
Expectations are similar to boundaries in that they provide parameters for your partner to operate within. Expectations, for the sake of this topic, are geared more towards what you want your partner to become in order to be trustworthy. Again, if they don’t know the goal, how can they achieve it?
Communicating Feelings
You’ve done the work to understand what is going on inside of you as you’re developing trust. Now it’s time to share that with your partner. As you share how their behavior makes you feel, they will get a better understanding of how they are affecting you. Then, as they adjust accordingly and affirm your feelings, you will begin to trust them more with how you feel.
Acknowledgement
Regardless of your primarily love language, words of affirmation always feel good. It can fuel your motivation to make change. It is no different for your partner. When you see them do things that respect your boundaries, meet your expectations, and validate how you feel, they deserve some praise. Not only will this encourage the new behavior but it will help them trust you as well.
Take a Risk
I’ll start with a caveat here and say that this has to be done within reason. To trust someone is to take a risk. As you are on the journey of developing trust with your partner, you will have to take risks by trusting them with things that you haven’t before such as respecting a boundary or acknowledging how you feel. This can be scary but it doesn’t have to be taken in huge steps. Back to the caveat, you shouldn’t jump right back into taking the risk of trusting your partner if they haven’t shown you in some way they are trustworthy, or if you’re experiencing abuse from them. Sometimes trust can’t or shouldn’t be rebuilt and that is okay. If you both are prepared to work on your trust, small steps that build on each other will eventually lead to deeper trust.
Variable 3: Time
I never like saying in therapy, “it takes time,” because it’s the last thing any of us want to hear when experiencing something uncomfortable. The truth is though, it does take time. As I’ve said already, building trust is behavior change and behavior change doesn’t happen overnight. Developing trust for the first time can sometimes be easier than rebuilding trust. Rebuilding trust is essentially a healing process. Just like a wound that is healing, rebuilding trust takes time and reinforcement to create a new stronger connection. The hope you can hold on to though is, just as wounds heal, trust can be rebuilt. You don’t have to remain how you currently are forever and neither does your partner. You can make a change.
Whether you’re building trust for the first time or repairing trust that has been broken, focusing on doing your internal work of identifying your motivation, challenging your assumptions, and offering yourself compassion will set you on the right path. Then, by working together with your partner on the external work of communicating with each other, acknowledging what you both are doing, and taking a risk on each other, you will develop the skills to trust each other again. Over time, you will deepen your trust and have a more meaningful relationship.
As always, it’s important to note that sometimes you can’t build trust on your own. Seeking the help of a couples counselor is a great way to get extra insight and training on how to improve your relationship and rebuild trust. Reach out to Ridgeline Counseling if you think couples therapy could help you.